I'm beginning to become annoyed by a certain teenage individual who continues to post on this journal considering I have persistantly asked him not to.
The personal remarks he makes, about myself and others are not appreciated and I ask that he move elsewhere.
I would also appreciate it if this person would no longer email me, as I have requested consistantly.
I do not wish to make this journal friends only, nor use permissions on certain posts. If I do choose to do so then it is on my own free will and not because someone refuses to follow a simple request.
Removed as requested by a friend.
Hey, it seems like it's been a while since my last update. I apologise, there's nothing more sad than an out-dated journal, so uninspiring.
Life has been rather busy lately and I haven't had a lot of time to think about...well much at all really. However, the academic year is finally over and I'll have much more free time to waste unproductively away on the internet. I may have to possibly find another job, money makes the world go around - or so it seems.
How is everyone these days?
I spent the majority of my last couple of days on the An t-Eilean Sgitheanach. Which is in the literal sense, my birth place.
For all those who don't know it is the largest and most northerly island in the Inner Hebrides, an area just outside the North of Scotland. It's probably one of few Islands where Gaelic is widely spoken except for perhaps Ì Chaluim Cille.
I won't lie, it's a beautiful island, unspoilt by big business and industrialisation. However, with all small communities it's a death trap for local customs, gossip, closed groups and unchallanged ignorance. Perhaps the thing I dispised the most about An t-Eilean Sgitheanach was that it was closed minded about new ideas, well that and being called McGowan.
It was nice to see some old faces of almost fully grown boys and girls who I had known since early childhood. Unfortunately, the majority of them spoke no English, except for one or two where it was broken and unfluent with a very celtic accent.
What some people fail to realise is that it's quite possible on An t-Eilean Sgitheanach to live there without ever finding the need to check out the latest shops, buy the coolest car, wear the most fashionable clothes or speak a drop of English except for on the rare occasion.
It also fairly wistfully that I noticed that m old childhood friends were considerably further on in life, some at university in Aberdeen (where they'll damn well have to learn English whether they like it or not.)
It's odd that you find the most well kept contempt for the strangest of things.
First off, I apologize for not updating. Life has been more than difficult lately and I felt I would be doing you all an injustice by leaving you with sad tales.
Kind of stupid really. Especially considering what I really needed was the comfort of others. But I guess nobody really thinks rationally in these situations. For the last month and a half, life has pretty much been fucking unbearable.All that kept me going through the worse of it all was bad anime, a false affair, a sense of spirituality, and the occasional emotional "high".
Shortly after my last post I went through a series of job changes which although a minor unsettling to what was a close to normal life as possible, it set the tone for future events that would break me down. Long story short I got fired, three times in a row, in the space of two weeks. Sometimes it was my fault, on others it wasn't.
Following on, the late February - early March period is the Scottish national qualifications mock exams. For all of you reading this who place grades highly in your life will understand why this was a stressful of not distressing time for me. To say the least, I crammed and became over-stressed quickly, losing sleep and failing to eat properly for fear of losing out on valuable revision time. After the nasty job scenario my confidence was rather low and I feel that it probably eat away at me over the exam period, leaving me a unstable emotional wreck.
By the time exams were over I had nothing to fill the wretched gap of a three week wait before receiving grades that meant so much to me. And so, for thee weeks I did nothing in particular but attempt to steal some rest and rebuild on confidence. Life never works out the way you want it to, no matter how hard you try, plan or beg. For various reasons I had little social contact over the weeks and as days passed by I felt myself digging myself into a pit where I quite honestly felt like complete and utter shit. Nothing would have made my day more than to just die. I doubted life, I doubted others and worst of all I doubted myself. I began to see imperfections in the way I looked, dressed, talked and performed. Until eventually I despised myself, thinking that I couldn't be anymore pathetic and worthless if I tried.
However, like everybody I went through periods (although short) were I would feel fine if not slightly happy. On these occasions I would steal myself to go out into the city and take a wander. On one of my wanders I met a girl called Julieta, a brunette she was small, possibly only 5,2 although having a year or two of life on me. She dressed in a quaint manner and her face seemed perfectly shaped, oval-ish with two luminous green eyes staring back at me. It was those eyes that captivated me. For a while she was the only thing or person in my life that could shake my depression. We talked and got to know each other reasonably well, before I knew it we were going out to the cinema, running together even dining out together. I think this was the first time in my life that I ever really felt love for another. She filled my life and left me with a warm tingly sensation that lifted me up and gave me confidence. Unfortunately, (oh god, why is there always an unfortunately) she wasn't a native Scot, indeed she wasn't even British, mistaking her for American I soon found out that she actually was over from Canada, doing a three year course in Religious Studies. She'd came to Scotland (and for a small duration of her stay Ireland) to see historical sites of religious importance. She was majoring in Christianity.
I don't know if she ever really loved me back. She seemed amused by me, enough so that she would partake in activities together, but I always felt that she had contempt for other boys over me. I had met her at the closing end of her stay in Britain and a week ago she departed back to Canada - Halifax. The last I heard of her as through a letter, telling me that she'd found herself a boy that she had an un-dieing crush for. I left it at that.
Needless to say this did nothing for me. I soon felt depression sinking back in. But, the experience had taken my mind off past problems and although I'm far from free of depression, I feel that I may hopefully be better off than I was four-three weeks ago.
I'm not here to sing the blues. I don't normally do the lovey-dovey crap. Life goes on, dragging me with it.
C'est la vie.
Some old lady stabbed me in the leg with an umbrella.
If I die, avenge me.
I got a boner listening to Crystal's voice.
Pfft, I'm not immature at all. No, really.
Man, life is just one emotional circle.
As well as one hell of a bitch. I go to work today to get my boss in ym ear about how I'm never at work, do the minimum amount of hours and half of my deliveries aren't on time.
Well fuck, maybe I'd come to work more if I didn't have studies and a fucked up leg to deal with.
I'm seriously thinking of saving up some money and blowing it all on a car. I love motorcycles. I love fixing 'em, owning 'em and riding 'em but, there gets to a point when you need to think whether the thrill is worth serious injury or loss of life.
I say this, as although I can do my best to be as careful on the road as I can. I cannot control the assholes that try and harrass me when I'm clearly trying to find an opening for a left hand turn on a roundabout.
Why we don't just use intersections, I don't know.
I'm beginning to think that maybe I'm just horribly and painfully unlucky around...well anything. I trip over stairs, walk into doors, fall off chairs and every so often my cat makes another attempt at my life.
The boy mechanics still aren't working. It's really starting to worry me. It's not like I'm 40, hell, I'm freakin' 18. My libido should be doing back flips whenever I see the opposite sex.
Maybe I can get pills for this or something...
And all of this makes me feel crappy. Being dirt poor doesn't help either. The only thing that keeps me above water is trying to catch up on my education so I can hopefully make something of myself someday.
Maybe get out of crappy Scotland...
The American civil war is really interesting. I wish I'd had the chance to study it in more detail. But, unfortunately it's not on the Scottish educational system or the UK's.
And does anybody know where St. Louis is on the map?